I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
