In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
