I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
