I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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