I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
sarcasm needs its own font
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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