he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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