Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm bleeding and have questions
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
