just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize