is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
