I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
