just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
