When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
