I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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