i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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