fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
