i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
