i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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