Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
