so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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