um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
