I wish I could teleport
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
