A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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