I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
