I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
