hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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