I wish my penis had an off switch
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
