I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
