wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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