I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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