My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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