I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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