Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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