I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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