if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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