dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
