Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
