You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
