I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i need some magic done to my vagina
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
