Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
