You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
