I met the friendliest cop last night
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
