You can't special order awesome
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
