i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
