the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
