I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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