i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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