She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize