Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
