I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
