I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
