In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
