I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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