I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
