i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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