My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
