____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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