Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize