I just gift wrapped bread.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize