I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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