i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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